Hindsight is always 20-20 but sometimes, when I look back, I just have to shake my head and wonder what was I thinking?
Then again, way back in the ’80s, John Bradshaw used to say that people will meet you at the level of your dysfunction. My marriage was a textbook example, I think.
Before we actually tied the knot, my future mother-in-law once told me, “Relationships are really all about power.”
Thinking about that now, I can see how that should have been a great big ol’ red flag for me. But of course, I was in my 20’s and my perception of the long term operated in a range that is best described as fuzzy-to-non-existent.
After she said that to me, I even gave myself leisure to observe the way she and her son dealt with each other. They were always, always, always playing these games of one-upmanship, seeing which of them could get the upper hand. If I had been a healthy young woman, that alone would have made me run screaming in the other direction but I actually gave it very little thought. I was too busy stoking my paternal abandonment issues to consider little things like the dysfunction of his family of origin.
I guess, if Mr. Bradshaw was to be believed, he was just screwed up enough for me.
Sometimes, I don’t know how I feel.
I’m having one of those times right now. I’ve been wanting to come in here and talk to you but I don’t know what to say because I don’t know how I feel.
Not knowing how I feel makes it hard for me to write. It’s hard to write blog posts and it’s hard to get any work done on the sequel to The Rise of The Phoenix, which I’ve been working on for years. Then again, it took me 5 years just to write Phoenix, so at least I’m consistent.
My motto: I shall write no book before its time.
But I digress.
My love life (sex life?) is bothering me because the stud muffin and I exchanged words last weekend and I’m still mad. Not sure if I’m mad at him (it’s not my fault you didn’t know what you were talking about and I didn’t deserve to get snarled at just because I told you some things you didn’t want to hear) or if I’m mad at me (why didn’t you just snarl back) or maybe both.
Dissatisfaction is probably one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest weaknesses.
Being dissatisfied keeps me moving forward. It keeps me from settling for less than what I want and it keeps me charging toward my goals.
On the other hand, being dissatisfied makes it hard for me to appreciate what I have and it means that I’m always vaguely unhappy on some level.
What is worse is that sometimes I am dissatisfied, not because of a failure to reach my goals (yet!) but because I get this feeling that I’m supposed to want something, whether I do or not. Sort of like my dilemma about my newly freed weekends. That’s silly but I do it to myself constantly.